Ep. 2 - I Discover the Truth. Game On.

The story starts with whiplash: apologies at 11 p.m., holiday intimacy, then another abrupt stop. We pull back the curtain on what it takes to navigate a stop-start relationship, gather facts without losing yourself, and make bold moves when words and actions no longer match. This isn’t legal theater; it’s real life, lawyers, CPAs, depositions, and the unglamorous truth that divorce delivers decisions, not justice.

Abby walks through the mindset shift from hoping for reconciliation to protecting her future. Filing first wasn’t about revenge; it was about strategy. A quiet meditation raised a practical question, a missing refund, that cracked open the timeline. From there, call logs, credit card trails, and travel receipts told the story that denial couldn’t erase. Inside mediation and formal discovery, she learned how to answer exactly what’s asked, conserve energy, and move the process forward without surrendering to pressure or panic.

The hardest parts weren’t the spreadsheets; they were the echoes. Reading messages that mirrored her own, hearing the paramour claim a foundation of “trust,” and accepting that the legal system doesn’t weigh heartbreak. Abby shares the tools that truly help: a strong legal and financial team, boundaries with communication, a clear paper trail, and a community that can hold complexity without judgment. We also talk about redefining “winning,” choosing a fair settlement over a pyrrhic courtroom victory, and what rebuilding can look like when you’re crafting a new life in a new city.

If you value raw, practical insight into divorce, betrayal, mediation, discovery, and personal resilience, you’ll feel seen here. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and tell us: what does choosing better look like for you today?

Transcript

Welcome And Premise: Raw Divorce Stories

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Bitter or Better Real Stories of Divorce and Resilience. The podcast that gets real about the messy middle of divorce and what it takes to come out stronger on the other side. I'm your host, Abby England, marketer, national board certified health and wellness coach, and author of the upcoming book, Bitter or Better, and I've personally earned my divorce Kevlar. This podcast isn't legal advice. It isn't tips and tricks and don't forget and hacks and how-tos. There's plenty of other podcasts out there interviewing lawyers, therapists, accountants, all sorts of divorce scientists. This podcast is raw, real conversations with everyday people who have jobs, kids, responsibilities, and commitments, and yet they've weathered the heartbreak, rebuilt their lives, and found unexpected strength along the way. Because while divorce can break you, it can also make you better. You are not alone. Let's hear someone else's story and see what resonates.

Mixed Signals: Holidays, Sexting, And Hopes

Apologies, Promises, Then Another Red Light

Lawyered Up And Filing First

Building A New Life In Atlanta

The Meditation That Sparked An Investigation

SPEAKER_01 1:01

And you would think that the red light, green light ends there, but it doesn't. It doesn't. Wow. Yeah. So even in Florida, I'm in Florida, he's in Atlanta. The red light, green light continues. I remember it was Thanksgiving. I my my family had some extended family over at the house, and we're having Thanksgiving lunch. And it was during a green light phase, and I hear my phone buzzes, and I and my stepdad is two feet away from me at Thanksgiving lunch. Okay, and I look down and my phone buzz. And it's a fucking dick pic. It must be a dick pic. My stepdad is two feet away. Not I don't know how far two feet, two feet away, probably. And I'm like, holy um, I gotta go downstairs because my family knows what's going on, so I kind of get to use it as an excuse. But I go downstairs and I send them a picture back, and then we FaceTime uh are intimate with each other with my family upstairs at Thanksgiving lunch on FaceTime. On FaceTime. Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh green light. Um and on our anniversary fellow in there because our anniversary um was this 10 years, wasn't it? Or yeah, that was gonna be 10 years. Yeah, you're right. And we had talked about in one of those green light phases, we had talked about going to like Vermont or something. And then red light. Red light. Yeah, yeah, red light. I would have been probably like mid-December. I was came back to Atlanta because I'm like, I like Atlanta. I want to live here, it's awesome. So I gotta build a network. And so I came back for like an American Marketing Association holiday party. I stayed in an Airbnb, and he and I had kind of like been texting about possibly doing dinner when I was back. We scheduled a dinner and it was nice, you know. It was he talked about work at that point. He had seen a therapist a couple of times, and so we talked because I had like again, I continued to ask him, and at one point was just like, just go like go for you. Right, go for you, right? And so we talked a little bit about that. Um, and then he mentioned something about London, our dog, and I just I like lost it. And so I was like, I I gotta go. And so we left, and then he texted me later to like check in on me, and it led to sexting, and he came over that night and stayed at my Airbnb, um, and we cuddled the whole night, and then there was talk about him or talk about inviting me to his family for Christmas. It was, and then there was that fell through, you know, there was a red light. And then I remember on January 18th at 11 p.m. So we're in like a red light phase. Yes. January 18th at 11 p.m., he sends me a text and he said, Are you still up? I'm like, unfortunately, yes. I go, I'm not sleeping. Right. And he and he just apologized. He was like, I'm so sorry for everything. I feel like the world's shittiest husband. Could you ever forgive me? I was like, of course I can forgive you. Like, yeah, it could just and he was worried about what other because my family knows, obviously. Yeah, he was worried about like what people would think can like stuff happens in marriages. It could just be like a blip in our story. Uh yes, of course I I can forgive you. Then we had talked about possibly moving into the house because the house had been delayed a little bit in the construction, and so possibly moving into the house. And then again, we went to red light. Was that a call or a text? It was a call. Yeah. A call. I remember walking on the beach and having a call, and it was it was like, I just see us as friends, uh, yada yada yada. So that would be in late January, and I had talked to a lawyer, but I hadn't like done anything yet. Right. Learn how to protect yourself, you know, talk to a lawyer, just get some facts. Um, so then in early February, just a couple weeks later, in early February, I was back in Atlanta. Because again, I want to live in Atlanta, so I came back to find an apartment, and we had dinner one night together. He goes into his same points, and now he resents me for leaving Salem's Club to go to NECO. And the person I want to be with would never leave a corporate career to become a health coach and get all the points. And he goes, I don't know why people feel like they have to stay in an unhappy situation. They're just words. Again, about the vows. And I was like, just words, they're vows. He's like, I don't know why, you know, my friends think they need to stay in their unhappy marriages. They're just words. Like, no, they're vows. And they cover the gamut of things for a reason. Right. Richer or poorer, sickness, that like they cover the gamut for a reason. They're not words. And it would have been great to know that you thought they were just, you were just reciting words, reciting words 10 years ago. That would have been great to know. So that time I believed him. And that would have been early February. So I came back to Florida, just talked to my lawyer. She was like, Abby, she's amazing, by the way. Melissa Davis, Buckhead Family Law, amazing. And she was like, Abby, I am not in the business of pushing divorce on people, but there is a strategic advantage to filing first. So I, and this whole time, I was fighting the divorce. I didn't want this. So that meant him taking every step, even filing. Like I wanted to be able to say that he took all these steps. Right. But when I talked with her and she said there's a strategic advantage, I said, okay, let's file first. And so it felt kind of good to punch back. Yeah. And so I had to call him and tell him that I filed. And I think he was blindsided. Well, first he claimed. Yeah. Uh he was just like, I'm trying to do this without lawyers. We know our finances. He really wanted to do it outside of lawyers. I am not totally versed on all of the finances and how the stock vests and the Walmart deferred comp and all like we lived well within our means. Like we were savers. So I know kind of like what's coming in, what's going out. But some of the other technical stuff I wouldn't say I was versed in. So I knew enough to say, no, I'm getting a lawyer. Yeah. And he was like, fine, if that's how you want to play this. And I said, You chose this. And he goes, You're goddamn right I did. Oh. Like, okay, then you chose this. Right. Yeah. So I filed. Yeah. We're doing it. And so then after that call, he tried to text me and call me and just continued to try to get me to do this without lawyers outside of outside of lawyers. And at one point, like my stepdad was like responding for me. And and because it just kept coming in. And my stepdad like took my phone from me and he was like, No, you've told them you're getting a lawyer. Yeah. Go for a walk with your mom. Leave your phone here. Yep. And so I did that.

unknown 9:10

Oh.

Call Logs, Credit Cards, And Proof Of An Affair

Mediation Shock And Moving To Formal Discovery

Depositions, Strategy, And Holding The Line

Reading The Paramour’s Texts And Staying Focused

Settlement Versus Jury Trial: Choosing Closure

Why Divorce Doesn’t Deliver Justice

Postnup Pressure And Redefining “Winning”

Final Reflections And Closing Message

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Alright. So you now have representation. Mm-hmm. Okay. It sounds like divorce is quite the lengthy process and journey. So do you want to start us with I guess do you want to get into the nitty-gritty of what tools you used during the divorce process to get through it? Um, it is a pro it was a process for me. For some that I've interviewed, it's not, it's not a lengthy process. Some people can do it outside of lawyers. I felt very strongly that I needed legal representation. Um, and then we later got a CPA involved, which was a great decision. Yep. I I mean, for me, I would tell people, you certainly want a lawyer and a CPA on your legal team. Because when you're in negotiation, because it's a negotiation, right? And you need someone who isn't who is an expert, good at the numbers, not emotionally tied to things, you you need that. And my legal team and CPA were amazing. Um, but yeah, so we filed. And at first it's just what they call like informal discovery, which is basically like tell us where the money is. Like, is there any money hidden? And it's pretty much that. What are the accounts? How much is in it? You know, stuff like that. So I filed in February 2023. And I would call February through August of 2023 ignorant bliss. Okay, bliss is definitely the wrong word. It's not bliss, it's just ignorance. Just ignorance. Because when I would tell people what was going on, you know, I'd made several trips kind of back to Bentonville. Um, I'd friends come, I'd met friends back in Florida. I was living in Atlanta. I had gotten my apartment. My I call it my shitty little Carrie Bradshaw apartment. And the complex I call the college dorm because these kids are so young and they just like marinate in the pool with their like cellulite-free 20-year-old skin. It's so young. But it's great, and it was all mine, it's right in the best part of the city, and I just kind of showed up as the Abby that I was starting in February 2023. Okay. Yeah. I know how to start over in a city by myself. I did that in Bentonville, you know, after grad school. I can do that. I jump into all the things, and I was just kind of my extroverted social self. And opportunities begin to find me, um, which was awesome, to be on boards that I shouldn't like, I have no business being on some of these boards. I actually went to the Natural History Museum Gala the following year, and I wore that dress because even Cinderella went to the ball by herself. Yes. I went there and I actually talked to the president, and they invited me to be on the corporate leadership council. So these opportunities started to find me, and it was like, okay, you're cultivating a life in Atlanta. But when I would tell people the story of what happened, because they were curious, they saw less of him in my social posts. I was doing all sorts of things too. I was doing so much stuff like by myself. You kind of you need to get used to the fact that you will be doing things by yourself. But it also like built my confidence. But they saw less of him in in my social media posts. So there were questions. And when I would share the story and the reasons, they were just like, that doesn't seem strong enough to end a marriage. Yeah. Are you sure? And I'm like, he's the most loyal person I know. No, it's not like I don't think it's this other thing. But enough people had said things. And then I remembered I was in a meditation one afternoon, because I meditate every afternoon for just like 10-15 minutes. And I was in a meditation out of nowhere. Nowhere. This thought pops into my mind and it goes, wait a minute, why wasn't there a refund on the credit card for the Savannah trip? Wait a minute. And that kicked off an investigation, let's say. So this was when timing? Because you had this would have this would have been early August. Okay. Because you ended the ignorance period in August. Yes. Okay. So this is in early August where I was meditating and that thought where I was like, where, wait a minute, why wasn't there a refund? Because you were supposed to go to Savannah when? Back when I was in the apartment, um, I was kind of going through finances and I saw a charge for a hotel in Savannah. And so I asked him about it. I was like, oh, hey, what's this? And he said, Oh, I got that for us as a surprise, but then you went to Florida with Meg and at that time, I was like, Oh, that's so sweet. I mean, we're right, we're in red light, green light. Yes. I'm in survival mode. I'm like, that's so sweet. I remember giving him a hug. I mean, that's so nice. Just it's a surprise. Like, okay, yeah. In that meditation, though, I thought, wait a minute, where is the refund? And oh, by the way, Megan's got two little boys. We had Florida planned for months. Like, it's not like we woke up one Friday and was like, let's go to Florida, I'll meet you there. Like, no, this would have been planned for months. And when I went back and checked, it wasn't even the same weekend. So what the fuck was in Savannah? Like that was the first puzzle piece. So for the next couple of weeks, I continued to find puzzle pieces. And I remember coming back to Arkansas and sitting with you at Blake Street, and we did this together. We chat our computers up. We each had our computers up. Yep. And we did this together. And I made a pivot table of the cell phone log. Listen, I could tell you so much about ATT policy of what shows up on a call log, what shows up on an message, whether it's a text message or an iMessage, basically, if you're on Wi-Fi or on cellular, I could tell you all this stuff. Put the puzzle pieces together and saw that one number came to the top, and one number he was calling every single day, like on the way to work, every single day on the way home from work. And so I had a hunch based on a deleted text from that night in Nashville that I just ignored or you know, just didn't because he was so loyal, I didn't think anything about it until you and I started digging and putting the puzzle pieces together. And when you call someone, going back to the call log, when you call someone every single day, and then there's strings of three, four days where you're there's no calls between you, guess what? You're probably together. And I can marry that up against the credit card statements and be like, oh, I don't remember being in Nashville, I don't remember being in Miami, I don't remember being in Savannah. Oh. Yep. Okay. You're having an affair. That's what all this was. You were having an affair. And at that moment, the guilt, like this like weighted vest of guilt that I've been carrying, I it it symbolically felt like I was taking it off and I was putting it on him. Like, no, no. I know enough about affairs to know that it's not about it's not about the spouse, it's about you and your bullshit and whatever you're going through. I'm not caring around this anymore. Yeah. And after that, it was a whole new ballgame. Okay, so the investigation was really like unfortunately fun because we were finding all sorts of just like backdoors and Googling and over here, over here, over here, pivot tables, all this stuff. So, what did you find out in your investigation? Yeah. You're really good at that, by the way. I'm really good at that. So he was having an affair with a colleague at work at the job that we moved to Atlanta for. They didn't know each other prior, but man, they moved fast. And while I don't know like the exact date, the earliest data point that I have, you know, from the call log is that she called him. That was the first instance of like personal cell phone talking. Um, she called him on his birthday at night, mid-May of 2022. You don't just call a colleague and wish him happy birthday at night. Like, you don't just do that. Um, and it usually doesn't start with a call, it starts with like texts. But texts, if it's an iMess, if it's going like iPhone to iPhone, if it's an iMessage or a text, and if you're on Wi-Fi or cellular, like there's all these like rules of like when it does and doesn't show up on the text log. So the text log is a little tougher to decipher, but you don't just start with a call. Um, so it's I it's fair to infer that the relationship started before May 2022 via text when she was still married. Her divorce wasn't finalized until August, late August of 2022. And when did he drop the I am an unhappy bomb? That first weekend in September of 2022. Yeah. It's funny how the all the pieces and parts of the puzzle all come together to make that tidal end. I had to just trust God's grace and timing that I found out the way that I did because I found out sitting with my best friend. It was like one extreme to the other, but like we we did our we did our search and our research and like put the puzzle together, and then we were able to like laugh later that day and spend time together. And it just if I'd done it all by myself in Atlanta, like I wouldn't have had my best friend with me, yeah, kind of going through this. And you know what's so funny is um that weekend coming back from Arkansas to Illinois, driving back, I was on 44. I've you know, Rap 44, and a semi-truck with the word forgiveness on it was like at the gas station. Parked at the gas station that I happened to stop at to get gas. And I look over, I see this semi-truck with the word forgiveness on it. Son's like here, like that semi-trucks don't have like inspirational phrases on them. It was so so I remember taking a picture of it and sending it to you and Meredith and being like, that's a sign. Yep. So that was two weeks before our first scheduled mediation. Okay. And you would have thought I found the treasure map to the holy grail. Like the the fact that they were co workers. They were they worked at the same company. That's right. Yes. The company that, you know, the job that we moved for, she worked for the company. That makes a lot of sense. Yes. And so when I found out, I thought, like, I fucking got him. Yes. Because at Walmart, people get fired for having an affairs. Yes. She was she was married also. They were both married. That's right. Yeah. And so I thought, oh my God, I fucking got him. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Because literally, we know stories of Walmart leaders who get fired. Like both people get fired for an affair. I had screenshots and PowerPoints and the pivot tables. I had so much evidence all on my computer. And I was so like convinced that somehow like he knew that I knew. And so I carried my computer with me everywhere. Like in a locked briefcase. Like I took it to the gym with me. I took it to the grocery store with me. I like in a backpack. I did not let that computer leave my side. Well, he'd already gotten into it once. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Thank you. He could do a turn a green light on and come over and try it again. So we go to that first mediation. He comes in with some bullshit offer. And so I spin it back on him. And I was like, Yep, we can do that. We spin it back on him, along with the mic drop of, oh yeah, and we know about the affair. Fair. Right. Yeah. And so the mediator was in with him for like an hour after that. And then she came back. And the balance sheet was like getting sloppy at this point. And I just, I felt rushed. And I shared that with my lawyer. And she was like, then we don't settle. And so we didn't settle. I walked away, and that kicked off a formal discovery process. And informal is like, just tell us where the money is. Formal is you get into everything. Formal is what did you have for lunch on February 22nd? And you better be right because you're going to produce a stool sample. So like it is, you're answering like every detail about your life. And oh, by the way, in Georgia, infidelity is a crime. And only two states let a jury preside over your divorce case at the time of this recording. I'm basically a paralegal at this point. Texas and Georgia allow jury trials. But when my lawyer told me that it was a crime, I was like, can he go to jail? He's gonna go to jail to go to jail. She was like, no, it's more like a speeding ticket. Like, fine. Okay. With jail time though, right? Right. But because of that, there's a section in the formal discovery process or in the formal document that talks about extramarital affair. And he pleaded the fifth. So because infidelity is a crime in Georgia, we get to interpret that as a yes. Oh, okay. Which it was. Right. Like we know that. Yeah. And depositions prove that. So then there was a question of depositions. Deposing him, deposing her. And then, oh, because I wanted to do that, then Abby, you also have to get deposed. You just don't get to not get deposed. Yeah. And so we had my deposition and then his deposition and her deposition. I go into my deposition. They got nothing on me. Like, I'm I'm squeaky clean. I remember his lawyer is asking me some questions about like prescriptions and medications. And I tell her, Oh, I'm on this like yeast overgrowth herb. She's like, what's that for? Like, what's for my candida? What's candida? Well, it's yeast overgrowth in your stomach. Well, how do you know when you have it? Well, my face breaks out. Well, who prescribed it for you? My chiropractor. Like, keep coming. How in the world is my candida? We can talk about candida. We can talk my candida. How is this even relevant to him having an affair? Please come at me with health talk. I'm gonna take you down so many rabbit holes. And then another one was um there was a charge because you have to produce all your expenses. There's a charge for like$5,000. And I couldn't remember what it was for. It was like for infinity services. And the moment I like, I couldn't remember. And she goes, Is it jewelry? And I go, No, like, I don't know. And then I looked at, I'm like, is that is that my CPA to my lawyer? And she's like, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Chad. I'm like, oh yeah, okay, it's it's Chad, it's my CPA. And and his lawyer was like, Are you sure it's not earrings? I'm like, No, it's not. I don't buy jewelry. She was like, What's what's the last jewelry you bought? Like, I think a pair of earrings at a flame market in Italy. Like, they were not$5,000. So I made her work. Like, I had I had prep sessions with my lawyer on prepping for the depot for mine. My lawyer was like, You like she coached me through it. Like, you just answer the question. You don't elaborate on it, you just answer what's being asked. And you could ask people to clarify and like you you make sure you understand what's truly being asked. Like the question, do you know what time it is? It's 8 30. No. The question is, do you know what time it is? Yes. Yes. Like, so yeah. Yeah. So I made his lawyer work for every single answer. And then in a break, he made a comment. I've never seen Abby like this before in my life. Like, fuck no, you haven't. Yeah, right. Because guess what? I'm fighting back. Like you haven't seen this, Abby, before. Because I freeze and I don't do anything around you. But guess what? I love conflict. Bring it on. Yeah, I love to negotiate. Let's go. So um to hear that, I was like, yeah, you know what? I totally did puff up. And and you haven't even seen me yet. Right. Yeah. And then we had obviously his and her depositions were not as much fun as mine. My lawyer poached me on their depots also and said, you don't win a deposition. It's not about depots are just about gathering information. It's not about like catching them in a lie and like proving them wrong and like winning the depot. She's like, it's just about gathering information because where you want to prove them a liar is when they're on the stand in court in front of a jury. That's where you want to kind of catch them flat footed, not in a depot. And so it was hard for me to kind of like hear his responses to things and not like be like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, look, see, right here, that doesn't make any like it was hard for me to not prove his narrative wrong on like pretty much everything. And to just kind of sit there. No, I'm I'm allowed to like take notes, take notes and pass my lawyer notes and so you were in the room with her. And her. Yeah. No, they did them separately. Right, but you were still looking at her face to face. Yeah, I'm in the room with both of them. It was tough. Obviously, it was tough. But I will say it wasn't as emotional as I thought it was going to be. Because I I was almost like so busy tracking and disproving what he was saying with through evidence of texts. Like I saved all of our text messages for like a year through cell phone logs, through cards, through social media. Like I had all this evidence that kind of disproved their stories. And so while he's reciting something, I'm able to jot it down and like hand it to my lawyer. So I'm I'm like working. I'm working. Yeah. I'm not really like sitting there listening, letting it like absorb into me. Now it has later, obviously. And my lawyer came on fire. She came on fire in those depots. Melissa Davis, Buckhead Family Law, amazing. They gave me some softballs to start with in my depot. And my lawyer and I talked about the strategy, and I'm like, punch him in the face coming out of the gate. Don't give him softballs of like, where did you go to college? Right. Like, what's your first job? Like, don't give him those softballs. I don't care. Punch him. And so the first question out of the gate was when was the first time you and her had sex? Yeah. He was like, okay. Yeah. We're getting ready to punch out. Don't even buy me a drink. And because that's like, yeah, I wanted to know. And I had friends come at me and be like, Do you really want to know these details? I do. Yes. I do. You know? It was like cathartic. Yeah. Fuck if it wasn't the exact same time we're in red light, green light. He's having sex with both of us. Unprotected sex with both of us. Hmm. Yeah, my lawyer came on fire. Um, I remember there was something around um another company in Atlanta, another big retailer in Atlanta was talking to him about a job, and there was like an NDA about it. But you have to produce all that stuff. Like, if you're gonna leave your current role to go to a different job, that's gonna affect your stock and what vests and all those are marital assets, except like you have to disclose all of that. And so my lawyer asked him a question about this other role. He was like, Well, I can't tell you. He got kind of snippy, and he was like, Well, I can't tell you because of the NDA. And she goes, Oh, but you can tell your girlfriend. And it was just like mic drop. And he just looked at her, I was like, Yeah. Um, so and then he went in and answered the question. And I just wanted to be like, I can't on the playground be like, oh, if she got you, she burned you. Like she came on fire. And then like the night before her deposition, my lawyer and I are passing, we're texting back and forth. Like she's getting on Facebook looking at things. I'm going through like my notes. I'm just saying, do not have don't have an affair ever, like ever, but don't have an affair in Georgia because you will have to, as the paramour, you will have to produce so much stuff about your life. Like, you have to produce texts between you and my husband, texts, but the group texts, like you have to produce so much also. Yeah, you can't delete anything. Yes, just don't do it, it's not worth it. Um, so she had to produce all this stuff. I had to go through it as part of depot prep. It's just like I remember reading their texts and the words they were using, and you could have literally overlaid our texts on top of it. Like, okay, baby, good morning, love, sure thing be, like the same exact words of endearment were in both of ours. Wow, yeah. So that like that was really hard to read, obviously. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And then she had to produce pictures of them, and so like looking at all that was tough, but in her depot, you can't say anything, you know. I'm not allowed to to say anything, but being if I'm scribbling notes and like pushing them to my lawyer in her depot to hear her talk about starting a life with someone at the expense of mine. Like your boyfriend is my husband, right? Yeah. The last time he and I were intimate would have been December of 2022 when he came to my Airbnb. Well, I thought that was January 18th. No, no, no. That's when he sent the text. Oh, okay. Yes, that's when he sent the text. Before that, in in December, yes, like you know, around the holidays, I had the Airbnb in Atlanta and he came over and stayed the night. And I guess he had told her about that, like the last time we had sex. And that came up in the depots, and I scribbled around like, why? And my lawyer was like, Why would he tell you that if you guys were like off or whatever? And she was like, I think he just wanted to start a relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty. If you could hear the eye roll in my and my eyes roll back in my head. I was just and you can't say you can't see it, say anything. I wish I could have been like, uh, but like uh okay, you guys were both married. A foundation of trust and honesty. You got a real solid foundation there. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So I mean, that's why the book isn't again, it's not ha ha funny, but looking back, there are some pretty funny moments. Yeah. Yeah. So having an outlet to share that kind of stuff, well, like with you, with other friends, just to to be like, you see how absurd this is, right? Having that network of support like was everything to me. Helped me get through it. It and it's so important. So your journal is all you're talking about. No, no, I'm saying like my journal has all like my feelings, but then being able to text you. Text you, oh my gosh. Just like how stupid and hilarious is this? Yes. Having those types of outlets of other people to kind of be in it with you is really helpful. So we got through depots, and then we had our second mediation. We did come to a settlement there. Uh, and it was either gonna be we settle or we go to jury trial. Part of me wanted to go to jury trial just to be a thorid in his side. But after some soul searching, it was like, that's not a reason to go. So we did kind of come to a final settlement. And I remember looking at the piece of paper that had kind of the over and above the 50, and looking at that amount and just thinking, this is not indicative of the pain I have felt in the last year and a half. And I remember crying. And my CPA is there, my lawyer is there. I think they just kind of looked at each other like, and I was just like, I'm sorry, I haven't cried in a really long time. And I'm just thinking, like, this is not this is not fair. Like this is there's basically like no consequence. Like looking at like there's basically no consequence for infidelity, thinking this isn't fair and this isn't indicative of the pain that I have felt. Nope. I think that's part of the lesson, and I know that's something you know my lawyer would coach me on is divorce just gets you divorced. It doesn't scratch any itch for like justice, if if that makes sense. So then we were able to come to about you know 85% of the way there. There was a few things that we didn't come to an agreement on, and so we finally settled everything through arbitration, where an arbitrate the mediator became an arbitrator and just made a final judgment on some outstanding items. And then it was over, done. Yeah. And that was so funny enough, funny enough, Labor Day weekend 2022. I stepped on that landmine, that invisible landmine, and I got the final divorce decree from the g from back from the judge saying you were divorced. I got that back Labor Day weekend of 2024. Wow. Two years. Of hell. Of hell. Just yeah, yeah. So my my lawyer several times she was like, you can't win divorce, Abby. Which is very hard for me to accept. Well, competitive Abby. Yeah, I have a hard time accepting you can't win everything. So but but it's later, after we had settled, she was like, Abby, you won your divorce. If you think about where you were starting and what you ended up with, you won. Meaning where it was starting was if I rewind the clock, back in one of our green light phases when I was in Florida and he was in Atlanta, I think it was like a homework assignment from his therapist was what would Abby need to see from you going forward? What would you need to see from Abby going forward? And he kind of shared that with me. So I had, and so we were gonna have a conversation and talk about it. So I had done my homework with things like better communication, um, getting back into our hobbies. We did a FaceTime, and so I went through my list and like um you know, a focus on health and wellness and things like that. And then it was his turn, and it was kind of like, yeah, I agree with all these points, but oh, by the way, I'm gonna send you an Excel sheet. And the Excel sheet is here's what you have earned in our marriage. If I go back to your starting salary as a project manager at Walmart, so he had created an Excel sheet of like the 10 years we've been married and what my starting salary was as a project manager, bonus, stock, like, and then I my my promotion to senior manager and then promotion to director, and then at NEVCO, he's like, here's what you've earned in the marriage. It was basically trying to get me to agree to a post-nuptial agreement, forcing me into a post-nuptial agreement, and was like, you don't unless you agree to this, you don't get me. You don't get me unless you agree to this. Because like the money was part of the the things I need to see from Abby, uh, part of the homework from the therapist. It felt like an ambush. Yeah. I I at least had the wherewithal to be like, I'm not agreeing to this. And of course, it was like, well, if if money wasn't everything to you, then you would agree to it. It's like, no, that wasn't the spirit of the exercise. I literally just went through a list of other things. I know of the things that make a marriage. Right. You know, these are the things that that make a good marriage. This, like, finances don't keep a marriage together. And I'm not agreeing to this. Like, no, that's not the spirit of of the conversation that we were supposed to have. Right. So, all like, so that number was, you know, what Abby had earned in in the 10 years of the marriage, that number was not even a fraction of like what I walked away with. So my Laura was like, again, where are you where he was starting mentally and where you ended up actually? She was like, Abby, you won the divorce. Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. I feel better now. That'd be great. Uh, but like, still, that like it's painful. Yeah. Even you can have all the money in the world, and it's still painful. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

Thanks for listening to Bitter or Better, where we turn heartbreak into healing and survival into strength. As Brene Brown says, vulnerability is the last thing we want to show, but the first thing we look for in others. That's what this is all about. Real people showing up, sharing their stories, and reminding the rest of us that we're not alone. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it too. And remember, you have a choice better or better. See you next time for more real stories, real people, and real resilience.